We woke up to drill instructor Casey banging on a garbage can lid. “RISE AND SHINE YOU MISERABLE BAGS OF COULD’VE-BEENS!”
She got right in my face. “WHAT’S A MATTER, PRINCESS? TOO EARLY FOR YOU?” I groaned. I looked at the clock and it was only 0630.
“TEN MINUTES. FULL UNIFORM. SHAVED, BOOTS BLISTERS OR NOT, LOCKED UP TIGHT ON THAT LINE OUTSIDE. ANYONE LATE, ANYONE OUT OF LINE—I PROMISE YOU, YOU WILL PRAY FOR DEATH!”
“Kath! She’s out of control,” I protested, but she was already up and getting ready—fear in her eyes. I noted how this never happened when I gave the orders. I hurried to catch up.
We came up into the cockpit and were given a quick physical. She didn’t have her rubber gloves on so I breathed a sigh of relief, but I was still nervous. She looked past me as she listened to my heart and I waited for some sort of reassurance only to be told, “Move on.”
Next, we did a double-time march to Enterprise Rental Car. Kathy jumped into the drivers seat and Casey sat down shotgun and motioned with her hand to proceed. I hid in the back.
We traveled in silence for what seemed like hours. I was hungry but afraid to speak up. I didn’t like being called princess.
We then stopped abruptly and drill instructor yelled, “EXTRICATE YOURSELVES FROM THE VEHICLE AND FILL YOUR PIE-HOLES, MAGGOTS!”
After a quick meal we travelled to a place called Malahat. This would be an obstacle course to toughen us up, drill instructor explained.
She motioned towards me. “Okay Buttercup! You’re up!”
I stepped up on the line doing my best to try and gain drill instructor’s approval. I started off alright but quickly lost my balance and fell. I looked up to my instructor for reassurance but she had already walked away shaking her head in disappointment.
Next she took us to the top of the structure. My knees buckled. I was scared. She pulled me onto the netting which was at least 30 mooses (what’s the plural for moose?) high. I protested.
“Look at that small child. Do you see him hesitating Buttercup?”
“But he only weighs 40 pounds!” My eyes began to water. I felt my knees buckle. I looked to my compatriot for help but she was hiding down below. Drill instructor Casey pushed me forward.
For once I saw my fellow trainee stumble. Before us was an enormous tube several stories high.
“I’m not doing that!” Kathy said, her eyes full of terror. Drill instructor Casey smiled and then faced the recruit. “They’ll be no failure while I’m in command,” and pushed her down the tube.
After finishing the course, I thought the day was over and started to relax. The worst was over.
“That was very insightful,” I said trying to kiss up a little, “I’ll be thinking about what I’ve learned on the way home…”
“HOME!” She blurted back. “IS THAT WHERE YOU THINK WE’RE GOING TINKERBELL?”
I gulped. Afraid to ask what was next.
We re-entered the car and drove for hours. I was tired. My back hurt. My feet hurt. I just wanted to go home. We ended up at a place called Sombrio Beach.
Drill instructor Casey looked at her map and began walking over loose stones. I looked for a way to escape, but what could I do? We were out in the middle of nowhere. She had the keys to the SUV. I obediently followed…
After a few minutes we approached a small creek and saw the instructor turn up. “But… BEARS!” I protested.
“What do think you’re being trained for—high tea?” She snapped back.
I collapsed to the ground, beaten. Kathy ran back to me. “LEAVE HIM!” drill instructor Casey commanded. “We don’t want quitters on our team.” She spat in disgust and walked on.
Kathy bent down and whispered in my ear, “Don’t give her the satisfaction.” I slowly, reluctantly, got up and followed.
We jumped across stones as we crossed from one side of the creek to the other. I felt my feet slip on the wet rocks and tried to keep my balance.
“She’s trying to kill us,” I mumbled under my breath.
“KEEP UP, CUPCAKE!” She yelled back at me.
We continued up hill, and I lost count the number of times I nearly slipped to my death.
Finally we stopped. Our instructor looked back at us and a smile formed on her face. Still hurt, I couldn’t understand what was going on. Kathy motioned for me to come forward and then I saw it.
“You see!” Drill instructor explained over the sound of the waterfall, “Today you learned that with discipline and perseverance you can succeed. If you keep this up, you may become…” she paused for a moment contemplating the right words, “…less than useless.”
Tales of Misadventure 